tepilo

First the good news. I have some more viewers coming around today. Now the bad news. My garden is under attack. I awoke this morning, drew back the curtains and nearly had heart failure. Just on the day when I have three sets of viewers (yes three!) due to come round, Michael Mole has decided to dig the Channel Tunnel under my lawn! He is no ordinary mole I am telling you. I have never seen him, granted, I have only seen the lawn twitching every now and again as he passes underneath, but judging by the size of the mounds of earth he can create he must have diamond drilling attachments fitted to his claws. I only have to lay my head on my pillow and start to close my eyes and I am sure he is at it, macheteying his way through the earth under my garden. I think there are more tunnels under my lawn than on the London Underground! I wouldn't even be surprised to find the Cabinet War Rooms down there now to be honest.

He has already upset the drains. I thought I would manage to escape before the damage was too great to require fixing, but as Fickle correctly identified there was an awful smell coming from the bottom end of the garden the other week. I phoned the chap from Econorod (like Dinorod but cheaper), and he said there was nothing he could do as 'something has gone through your pipes.' So he recommended me this other chap who fixes drains. He came round, and after sending his camera down there announced he would have to relay the pipe. So he dug up the lawn, fixed the problem and put everything back together. He really wasn't a very cheery chap I have to say, but I guess if you spend your days dealing with sewers I can see you might not be that happy. But then today there is a Mount Vesuvius size pile of earth perilously close to the same spot. I mean what is Michael Mole doing down there? He must have a larger house than me. He's probably got eight bedrooms all with en-suites by now. Why can't he just leave it alone, at least until I have the sold the house anyway? Mmm, maybe he is extending to create extra room for his brothers and sisters. That could be a problem. Between his tunnels and Fickle using the garden as a race track at this rate there will only be a small patch of grass left.

But I really don't want to kill him you know. He has sort of become part of the house I think. The whole place is under permanent attack from nature anyway. There are spiders everywhere, mice in the loft, ladybirds living in the window sills and if you don't clear away the apples from the tree you may see the odd rat too. But it's really not that bad you know. I have come to the conclusion that we all share this house, so we all have to get along together. Most of them were probably here way before me anyway. Fickle tries to chase the mice but they are too quick for her and I'm not sure she would know what to do with one even if she did catch it. I don't think she has worked that bit out yet.

The spiders seem to live down the plug-holes but you can wash them away and a few hours later they pop back up again. They don't really worry me, but if Fickle finds one she will eat it and then just a leave a pile of legs on the carpet for me to hoover up. I guess the legs are not so tasty. Heaven knows what she would do if she came face to face with a rat! Mmm, I hope none of the viewers bump into any rats today. That might not be a major selling point! Still, it is the countryside you know!

by Samantha May